April 28, 2026

Does your kiddo seem to have oversized emotions? Do you ever wonder to yourself, "why are they so upset about this?" Many of our GATE kids are highly sensitive. They have big emotional reactions to events and information that would not impact neurotypical kids. Why are these emotions so intense? Sometimes this is just the way their brain is wired. Sometimes it is a hormonal shift. Sometimes they are hangry. Sometimes they are having emotions that they do not understand. Sometimes they need help with a problem but do not know how to ask. The list goes on and on. It is natural to want to help your kiddo process these emotions, and it can be incredibly hard to talk to their kids about how they are feeling in the midst of a meltdown. Your kid's brain is not fully online when they are having a big emotional reaction. The limbic system is in overdrive and the prefrontal cortex is shut down. Your child needs to calm down before you can help them problem solve. At GATE we use the office as a calm place to rest and recover. Often the kids just need a quiet place to sit and sip on water or eat a snack. Sometimes we help the kids regulate with breathing exercises. Another tool that can be useful is the calm (or safe) place. This is a real or imaginary place that you can help your child create: 

Calm Place - Choose a time when your child is naturally relaxed and regulated to introduce the exercise. Have them close their eyes and imagine a place that makes them feel safe and calm. Have them describe the place to you. What do they see? What do they hear? What can they touch? What do they smell? What is happening inside their body when they imagine this calm place? Remind your child to take slow breaths in and out while they are in their calm place. Explain to your child that their calm place is available to them anytime they want to calm down.

Of course, watching your child struggle is hard. The natural inclination is to step in and help. Sometimes you make recommendations to your child to help them calm down and they decide to turn on you! Now you are the problem! While your kids are learning how to self-regulate this will most definitely happen. It is very common for kids to take their frustrations out on Mom and Dad. They feel safest with you. They know you will love them no matter how they behave or what they say. It is very important to not take this behavior personally! If you do, you may get agitated, and that will feedback and amplify your child's behaviors. Instead, when you are pushed away or met with defiance, try a little validation. Saying, "I can see this is very hard. I am here if you need me" may be all they need to hear. This is especially helpful for our fiercely independent kids that want to do things on their own. While they may not want your help, they need to know that you are there to support them and that you understand what they are going through.  If you do find yourself upset with or around your kiddo, have some compassion for yourself! Parenting is HARD! Try showing yourself some kindness and model self-regulation for your kids. When you find yourself feeling a certain way, name it and show and explain to your kids how you will regulate yourself. "I am feeling frustrated right now. I know that because I can feel my shoulders tensing up. I am going to pet Fido to calm myself down." Over time they will see how this helps you and they will emulate your behavior. As an added bonus, you will be working to regulate yourself which will have a calming effect on your child.

Now that you and your kiddo are calm, you see a window to get to the bottom of what is going on! There are some things you should know before your fact finding mission: 

Kids need to experience frustration

I know it seems like life would be easier if all the obstacles were removed and your child could just be happy and calm all the time. Remember, you are playing the long game. In order to learn to regulate emotions and develop frustration tolerance your kids need to experience frustration. A little conflict is grist for the emotional developmental mill!

What your kids say they are upset about may not be what they are actually upset about (or it may not be based in reality)

Many times at school we are surprised to hear a child report that they are upset because of something that happened months (even years) in the past. Kids, just like adults, have emotional triggers. Your child may see a kid with a certain look on their face across the playground. This face triggers a feeling they had when another child was mean to them months ago and...boom... an emotional reaction for seemingly no reason ensues. When you start asking them what is wrong they may tell you that a child was mean to them on the playground that day. They will be sure that this injustice happened today, not months ago. Bottom line - what your kids say they are upset about may not be what they are actually upset about or it may not be based in reality. That's ok. It does not stop you from validating their emotions and helping them figure out what is really going on.

Avoid bedtime processing

We hear so many stories about bedtime processing gone wrong. Kids are extra emotional when they are sleepy. They will recall all kinds of events that are troubling in an attempt to make sense of their bedtime emotions. Dredging up old stuff is not helpful at this time. If your child has emotions at bedtime, validate, comfort, and wait to inquire and process. You will be repaid with a well rested mind and less hectic morning!

Get creative with processing emotions

If you want to help your kiddo process information you may need to do it in a subtle or tangential way. Not all kids are able to verbally process and sometimes talking about it can create more turmoil in a highly sensitive kid. When talking doesn't work, get creative. Art can be a helpful tool. Have your kid draw what is bothering them, this may open up a dialogue. Helping kids work out a timeline of events can be helpful (fun fact, kids love drawing on whiteboards, this could help them engage in the process). Sometimes role play works well. Pose a problem to your child and have them help you find a solution by acting it out. Play is great for little kids. If your child is having a hard time settling down at night, get out the toys and reenact bedtime. Your kiddo may just tell you what is bothering them by pretending to be a character who is struggling with bedtime. Get creative and have fun working through emotions with your kids!

Engage in Inquiry

Now that you have figured out what is bothering your kiddo, get curious and model perspective taking. Was that child giving you a dirty look or did their parents pack something sour in their lunch? Are your friends trying to be mean or did they just discover sarcasm and they are trying to be funny (this happens all the time!). This is an inquiry process, your kids are naturally good at it. Imagine how freeing it would be to assume the best in people. You can teach your kids how to do this!

Practice Patience

Parents, be patient! Learning how to self-regulate requires years of practice. With your modeling and support, your kids will get it. Someday they will be independent teenagers and you will be longing for the day that they need you to help them!