July 16, 2023

Dear GATE Parents,

We all want y(our) kids to persevere when faced with challenges, to get back up when they fall down, to develop the skills required to achieve their goals - we want them to develop grit.  Gifted and highly sensitive kids feel everything so deeply and they often do not have the words to describe what is happening for them internally. These big feelings are often paralyzing and can lead to a refusal to participate in school or afterschool activities. In order to avoid facing their challenges they perseverate, they delay, they negotiate, they cry, they may act out. 

I am willing to bet that grit is not the first characteristic that comes to mind when you think of a highly sensitive child. I am going to offer another idea - perhaps these gifted and highly sensitive kids have the best chance of developing grit. Facing big challenges and overwhelming emotions so often means they have more opportunities for practice! Friday at our meeting, parents discussed how they manage anxiety, perseverating and avoidance at home. Parents had some truly great ideas, I am going to bullet point them here:

• When a child is having big emotions or engaging in avoidance behaviors, go to first principles - did you drink water? what did you eat today? did you get enough sleep?

• Recognize that there can be a "spectrum of ridiculousness." Some things kids bargain for or put their small feet down for seem utterly ridiculous. In moments like that consider whether this is their way of seeking control over an overwhelming situation. Find out what they are avoiding or worrying about.

• How can we help our kids push through tough moments while still providing the love and support they need while they are having such big emotions?

• • Acknowledge how they are feeling - this is real for them!

  • Try leaving room for compromise. This gives your kids some agency as they work through their challenge. Example: I know your arm is hurting, but I also know how much you love playing soccer. How about going out on the field and giving it a try. If it is still hurting you in 10 min let me know. I will be right here for you on the sideline. 

  • Remind them of a time that they were able to persevere when they were having a big challenge. 

  • Try having your kids write their triumphs on a sticky note. The next time they are struggling they can see that they can do hard things - the evidence will be in their own handwriting!

  • One GATE parent shared that her son keeps a daily journal with a day-o-meter and word of the day. This helps them keep track of good days vs bad days and what may be triggering a "10" versus a "1."

  • Knowing your threshold. Help your kids track and recognize what is too much for them. Many kids are overscheduled and overstimulated. GATE is a highly stimulating environment and your kids are here for at least 7 hours a day, five days a week. Many GATE kids need a lot of downtime. Help your kids recognize and verbalize when they are overwhelmed with constant doing!

• What to do when your kid will not talk about what is bothering them? Here are two out of the box suggestions from a GATE parent:

  • Sing back and forth
  • Use walkie talkies to talk while you are outside the room.
  • Sometimes these less direct forms of verbalizing can be comforting to kids and help them to open up.   

Parents, don't forget to take care of yourselves too! Parenting is hard. It is easy for parents to fall into a habit of overscheduling and overstimulation themselves. Model good self care for your kids. Take time out. Put the laptop away and take an evening walk with the family. Break out the board games. Institute read o'clock at home. Your quality of life matters parents - you are important!

Take care,
Nichole